Looking back, I see how many of those friendships were acquaintances, molded by proximity and mutual need. We were neighbors, or our kids went to school together or we were on a charitable board at the same time. Good, even great, people almost all of them — but most are essentially gone from my life.

Some, however, have remained my dearest friends for more than 50 years. I still see Lauren and Andy, women I’ve known since kindergarten in Chicago. I have an enduring, familial relationship with Janet, whom I knew as an undergraduate at Washington University in St. Louis and who became my lifelong friend and collaborator when we both went to Yale for graduate school. I have more than a dozen friends I met here in Seattle, friendships that run from decades to half a century or more.

What is it that not only creates an eternal place in your heart for some people, but also makes them love you enough to reciprocate — enough to keep love alive? What is it about friendships that keep that love vivid, even after people have died? Is it so different from romantic love? Or is it just someplace lower, not erotic, but no less profound, on the spectrum of attachment?

I can’t always explain it. It is like physical attraction — powerful but not entirely understood. Still, I do know a few things about friendship. That is, true friendship. A relationship is trivial if it is not honored. You have to show up and be there for someone, either in person or on the phone. You need someone who at least occasionally shows up for you. You seek their presence, find them worthy as people, exchange joys and sorrows, and can handle and accept their flaws.

You feel truly known by them. You know they want the best for you, and you will do what you can to comfort them or celebrate the high points of their life. You can feel when you have not been with them or talked to them enough, because you do not want the connection to be broken.

You don’t want this to happen because you know that like romantic love, a deep friendship has to be nurtured by presence as well as history. You may not consider it tragic if it fades into acquaintanceship, but like love, was it really love if the loss of it does not pain you?

True friendship is sacred. It requires a lot of me, and if I disappoint myself in performance or awareness, I hold myself accountable and try to do better. Honestly, I ask a lot back. It’s never a quid pro quo. We should not, and cannot, require everyone to give in the same way or even the same amount. But over this long arc of life, true friendship does require continuing consideration of the relationship, and if it is put on automatic pilot, it will, like more pedestrian technology, eventually crash into something and cease to exist.

It’s important to add, however, that it really doesn’t always take extraordinary measures to keep a friendship alive. On Valentine’s Day, I generally get electronic hearts and sentiments on my phone or computer from some of my friends. It’s not as literally tangible but nonetheless I do not delete these expressions of continuing affection. A reminder, in any way, that my friend is thinking of me, is enough.

But over this long arc of life, true friendship does require continuing consideration of the relationship, and if it is put on automatic pilot, it will, like more pedestrian technology, eventually crash into something and cease to exist.

Do you think friendship is possible after a dating breakup? My ex-girlfriend and I broke up because I was not ready to marry her. I do prize her as a friend. Do you think it is possible to convert that romantic relationship into a friendship? I care for her but we are too different to be together, and I just don’t have romantic feelings for her.

This is a tricky situation, but not an unusual one. Many relationships break up because of unequal or different feelings. You left because she loved you and you liked her. You still feel the same way, but she is bereft because you made it clear that there was never going to be a committed and romantic future together. So, you are where you are emotionally and you would like her to come to the same emotional space.

Can she get there? Probably not for a long time, and maybe never. The best shot for a change, however, is if she falls in love with someone else. If she finds someone new, and is truly in love with them, it might make her rethink her past relationship with you. And over time, she may be able to think of the things that made you close as part of her history that she can reclaim without feeling rejected or sad. But that is a big “maybe.” It can take a long time to change emotional feelings, and some people who have loved deeply just can’t make the transition.

So, here’s a path that might work. Wait until you know she is with someone else. Then call or email (texting might seem too trivial) and tell her you miss her friendship. It would be best if you wait until you are with someone else you are serious about so there is no mistaking your intention. You owe it to her not to open the door for hope. It has to be clear that friendship is what you want.

If she has changed her feelings about you, she might answer and accept your offer for coffee or a walk or something like that. If she does, you will have to judge if she has really reclassified you as a friend and not as a potential husband. Just be sure you do nothing to rekindle her romantic feelings, and if you sense they are there anyhow, it’s best to back away. If you really like your ex-girlfriend, you don’t want to torture her if she is still in love with you. Sometimes it takes years, if ever, for love to turn to like.

The post Heartbeat: The Full Curve of Friendship appeared first on Seattle magazine.

Things are so much better and different now that it amazes me how much progress has been made. When I was at Yale there were just a couple of women admitted to the law school, and it was possible to know or at least recognize every woman on campus. There were no tenured (or even full-time) women faculty in my department, and I remember my graduate student adviser calling me to his office and asking me if I wanted to give up my fellowship so a male student “who had to support his family” could have the money. I remember that we had to do some militant moves to persuade the department to create a women’s restroom in one of the three floors in our building.

These were the bad old days, but many things changed. Not always gracefully I grant you, but change was in the air. Still, I remember when I first came to the University of Washington some of my colleagues were uneasy and awkward about how to include me. Faculty at that time were quite collegial, and one of them opened our first conversation by asking me what sport I’d like to play with my fellow professors (the choices were basketball or softball). My first lunch with my colleagues was at a goodbye party for a senior faculty member who was going away for a few years to work at the National Science Foundation. His goodbye gift from the faculty was a joke: a tweak on his getting older, so they presented him with an eye examination poster that positioned the letters against a photograph of a nude woman’s breasts and torso.

Today my faculty is half women. Yale’s undergrad gender ratio is approximately 50-50, and my former men’s dining and discussion club is now diverse and women are well-represented. I am not saying it’s nirvana, but let’s give some meaningful change its due. It has been a very long time since I’ve been in a professional situation where I was the only woman.

I know some women’s freedoms are under assault, and I cannot ignore the fact that our country elected a president who bragged about grabbing women by their genitals and has been formally convicted of a sexual offense. Still, I want to take a moment to acknowledge how much better it is for women now than when I was a young woman. At the risk of sounding too much like Felicia Feel Good, I want to celebrate some true accomplishments: Women did not win the presidency, but they had the chance to run, and many millions of people voted for them. Women are now senators, congresswomen, and federal judges. Women dominate university admissions and law and medical schools are often half female. Women engineers may be in the minority, but no one thinks that’s an impossible ambition anymore.

Most importantly, young women are increasingly told that they can be who they want to be, choose their own sexual style, and love and marry same- or opposite-sex partners. They can marry or not, have kids or not, be physically strong and mentally ambitious. If you’re not a baby boomer you may not realize that many of these are rights and paths that did not exist for most women until the beginning of the boomers’ adult years.

Equality of choice and opportunity for women is not guaranteed. We can’t assume that a wide range of equal rights for women will continue without protecting them.

Do I think misogyny has disappeared? Of course not. Do I think there are countervailing values and political forces that would like to take away many of women’s choices, including control over their own fertility? Of course I do. We can never assume that history always moves forward, especially in these days when even the words equity, diversity or inclusion cause grants to be canceled and people to lose their high-profile jobs. But that doesn’t mean there has not been meaningful progress. I am grateful for the cultural shifts that have allowed women to be formidable political actors, and that no one is surprised anymore when a woman is president of a prestigious university. I am relieved that we now celebrate the sexual panache of famous women performers and that we strike back at slut shaming and other forms of punishing women for their sexual freedoms. I find comfort in the fact that gay women (and men) can legally marry the person they love.

When I was younger, we were told that women couldn’t be first-rate mathematicians or warriors, and that women could not exist without men or children. We were told a lot of things that weren’t true, and there were more pathways blocked than were open. And even though many earlier prejudices have been debunked or contested, women still often meet roadblocks because of their race or looks, or from a general belief that they should not do that job, live that lifestyle, or be more qualified than a male candidate. Equality of choice and opportunity for women is not guaranteed. We can’t assume that a wide range of equal rights for women will continue without protecting them.

However, those headwinds should not stop us from celebrating legal and attitudinal changes in so many countries. I am deeply grateful for how much better it is to be a woman today than it was for my mother and all the women before her.

Q: I have a long-term friendship with someone that I wish to end. She has been absent at too many of my important events (my wedding, my children’s weddings, the list goes on) and while she is in another state, she does have the ability to travel. Over the years this hurt me a lot, and I no longer feel she is a true friend. But I do want to respect our history, so how do I do this in an ethical and even caring way?

A: One of the cardinal rules of a close friendship is to show up for important moments in a friend’s life. However sometimes it is impossible, especially when there is a significant physical distance between friends. For example, there might be small kids to take care of and no money or person who can easily take care of them, so a wedding celebration or another major life event just can’t be arranged. Still, over a long period of time, there is usually some way to make at least one important moment in a friend’s life. It sounds like it has been one too many (or many too many) of your life events that have been bypassed and that you are now estranged from a previously close friend.

But you need to examine your feelings. Are you truly ready to “break up”? Or, if she apologized, would you still want to keep the friendship? If not, then ask yourself a second question: If you stop responding to her would she just let the friendship quietly drift away? Or would she feel hurt and think you ghosted her? If the latter is true then the kind thing to do is to contact her. You will have to tell her unambiguously that you want to leave the friendship and why. You could soften the situation by telling her how much you have enjoyed your friendship in the past and say a few positive thoughts about her nicest qualities, but you ultimately need to tell her the truth: that you were disappointed that she was unable to show up at important moments in your life and that her absences damaged your feelings for her.

If she still imagines the friendship to be profound, she will be shocked and sad. She might want to heal the rupture between you, and you must decide if this “Hail Mary” move would change your negative feelings about her. If it makes you feel different, great, but don’t go back if you can’t forgive her. If you are really “done” for the reasons you have stated (or others) then be firm and just say I wish you well, but it is best that we look fondly back at the past but go our own ways in the future.

The post Heartbeat: The Ongoing Struggle for Women’s Rights appeared first on Seattle magazine.

My reaction? The morning news was part of my breakfast ritual. It’s not anymore. I used to read the anti-Trump stuff , but no longer. Now I’m trying to divert myself and escape to another world that I can handle better, since I cannot change Trump’s victory and future actions.

So, I’m nurturing my previous addiction to Korean and Chinese rom-coms and romantic dramas. By the way, this deep dive has prompted my husband to say that he’s thinking about an intervention. I admit that this has become more than a minor hobby.

All of the ones I invest in have a happy ending, a little like the Hallmark Channel franchise, but way better. Most are between 15 and 40 episodes — plenty of time for character development, multiple silos of stories, and enough suspense to make you doubt things will all end up OK.

This is a world of beautiful (and I mean gorgeous) men and women and very interesting cultures. I have learned (at least from TV) about the problems of hierarchy in sports (Run On); about the seductiveness of men who have few words so that when they open up to a woman, it is true love (Business Proposal, Nevertheless, Crash Landing on You); and of a general reverence for one’s elders. It also seems that moms can be tigers and women can be scheming CEOs, but also very honorable and smart on their way up (King, The Land); and that many romantic themes involve men and women of different classes and ages falling in love, even though it is heavily frowned upon by parents and other family.

These stories now fi ll my closing thoughts at bedtime, and sometimes my opening ones the next morning. Fantasy creatures fall in love (My Demon, Doom at Your Service) and any touch or kiss — or accidentally falling into each other’s arms — is generally the beginning of something that will end in commitment and deeply felt love. Now, this fascination of mine might be a bit extreme because I study love and relationships professionally, but I have found that I am not alone in my addiction. And I am certainly not alone in my desire to escape the reality that is about to be a major force in national and international policy and practice. I know that at some point I must face the music that will play for the next four years and become more active in response. But sometimes diving into a world about beauty, love, surmounting challenges and personal growth is not a bad place to hide out.

Whenever I bring a new girlfriend home, or even when my father visits me and I have a female friend there, he always hits on them. Now, I am 24 and my father is 57, so it is not only awkward, but also ridiculous. Most of the women laugh it off or are flattered, but my present girlfriend is off ended, and I don’t blame her. Give me some answers here please.

A: Perhaps your father is only half serious and is just showing how charming he is — or more correctly, how charming he thinks he is — but regardless, it isn’t pretty. I have actually seen this kind of father-son competition more than a few times, so you are not alone. It’s especially common with older men who are good looking, important, or wealthy or for some reason have had women show them deference even when their flirtatiousness is unwelcome.

If you have never said anything to him before there must be a reason. Maybe he takes offense easily and could be furious with you. Or perhaps he is getting flattered by the banter he starts, and you feel some women do find him charming. Or maybe it’s because you are so angry that you control your remarks for fear of causing a conflagration and subsequent rupture of your relationship. All of these may have some basis, and I understand your hesitation. Nonetheless, you have every right to draw a line. Say something like, “Even though you may not see this the way I do, I want you to stop flirting with women I am with. I have had complaints. Even though some feel you mean well and are harmless, I feel like you are pushing me aside in a way that is inappropriate. I would not try and charm any girlfriends of my close friends, and I want you to stop showering them with attention in the future.”

If this sounds like it would start denials or a fight, then I offer another approach. Warn your girlfriend about your dad and ask her to politely withdraw. She can excuse herself to go to the bathroom, or turn away from him and just start telling him how wonderful you are. If that doesn’t work, she can tell him he reminds her of her beloved grandfather! You get the picture.

If worse comes to worst, just make sure you never bring your girlfriend over, and don’t make plans to see your dad when a girlfriend is there. When you get serious about someone, however, you will probably have to have an honest discussion with him. I knew of a situation like this with a friend whose father was a movie star in his mid-70s who repeatedly started affairs with her close friends. She stopped introducing them and kept her life away from him.

I am dating someone I am very much in love with. I have told him I love him, but he does not say it back. This hurts, and I have asked him why he can’t respond. He says that he does not want to do that when it is expected, and when the time is right, he will tell me he loves me. We have been together a year. Am I being too pushy? By saying I love him, have I already screwed this up?

A: Who says “I love you” first is not always a delicate dance. Sometimes people are enthralled at the same time. There are increasingly words that approximate saying “I love you” without actually saying it. One example: “I’ve never felt this way about anyone before.” Another example: “I could see spending my life with you.” It could be nonverbal, such as deep, longing looks that are warm and promising. Still, importantly, that is not “I love you,” however close it may be. And even more unsettling, your person could actually say the words but later regret it. So, yes, this can be a very unsettling time in a relationship.

What I would advise in your case is not to say “I love you” again unless he does. Once those words come out, the balance of attachment in a relationship may shift. If a person is ambivalent, or at least unsure, having someone raise the ante on the emotional stage of the relationship can push that person into deeper ambivalence and indecision. It is the original slippery slope.

On the other hand, I don’t think you have necessarily “screwed this up.” If he doesn’t love you (or sadly, if he is not going to love you), just putting your feelings in front of him really doesn’t matter. If he’s not there for you, or has concluded that he is not going to be in love with you, then better to know rather than fantasize feelings that don’t exist. You may not want to know the truth, but you do need to know.

But here’s the caution sign: It could actually be timing. I have known quite a few married couples where one person was way ahead of the other in terms of depth of feelings or readiness for commitment, but still, the other person did eventually come around. I have also known men and women who hesitated to say “I love you” back, because they wanted to wait for a time when it felt spontaneously authentic.

If you need to know if he loves you, you can put a time limit on it. If he hasn’t said it during that time, you can conclude that you have your answer. Or you can be direct and ask him to describe how he really does feel about you. If none of those approaches feel right, how about being more observant about whether his actions are those of someone in love or not? Does he call you as much as you call him? Does he say he misses you? Does he want to do nice things for you without being asked? Does he tell you how wonderful and  special you are? Does he brag about you? Does he talk about the future?

If all of the answers to these questions are no, I’d say he definitely doesn’t love you yet. And, quite honestly, he may never love you, in which case you probably should withdraw and find someone who does.

The post Heartbeat: I Have My Escape. What’s Yours? appeared first on Seattle magazine.

I’d like to be part of the solution rather than just moan about violations. I would like to mention a few common crimes, and if they resonate with you, to offer some advice on how to avoid common lapses of civility in relationships. I really want to see relationships thrive, and I see so many puncture wounds that leave scars that undermine love and respect.

Here are my five big — and two small — do’s and don’ts of common couples conversation.

1. We need to discuss this right now.

No, we don’t. When you are overheated, shut up. I see very few heated exchanges that avoid being hyperbolic and mean. If you are truly angry, it is very hard to avoid saying mean words that stick in your partner’s memory forever. When people are enraged, they often say things they wish they could take back. They may confess things that actually should never come out (“I always thought you were a complete slob,” for example) and words like that can absolutely sting. What’s worse, when the speaker is really mad, at that moment, they want them to sting, and their target knows it. It’s a mess you might never be able to clean up.

If you angrily corner a mammal (dog, horse, bear, human) you increase the likelihood of getting a violent reaction. Once people start yelling, or throwing out insults, the person who is being confronted is also physiologically aroused. The urge is to strike back with all they’ve got. That’s when those over-the-top, go-for-the-groin statements like “Your mother ruined you” come out. So, this is the moment to say, We need to handle this tomorrow morning,” and resist the other person’s demands or your own) for immediate confrontation. Instead, set a specific time to talk and deal with the issue. This way, you are not avoiding the conversation; you are merely disengaging from a full-throttle argument and delaying it until you both can get a little perspective.

2. You never take me anywhere nice anymore, or you always are late.

People also feel cornered when their partner strikes out at them with an accusation that has the words “always” or “never“ in it. If someone says this kind of damning sentence, it’s worth noting that this is an exaggeration for impact, and you need another way to hear their complaint. This is a time to avoid defensiveness (hard to do, I know) and ask if they want to solve an issue, or just be angry. It is also a time to get specific facts, and, if there is truth to their general accusation (i.e., you haven’t gone out to eat someplace nice for a while, or you actually are late a lot), to say you are willing to work out a plan to change things. Sulking, walking away or clamming up is not going to be a useful response, even though you have been purposively provoked.

After you have worked on some real change in behavior, it’s a good time to talk. Be sure to note that no one knows the future; it is hard to gauge and generally, “never” and “always” are gross exaggerations. If you problem-solve, rather than react defensively, you usually get a lot of points with your partner. And if you are the one who says “always” or “never” to your partner, cut it out. Your partner has probably not read this column, and is going to hurl back angry denials.

Bottom line, remember that you are always supposed to have your partner’s back, and anything that undermines that rule is seriously out of bounds.

3. Let me try and tell you this in a different way.

This is a sentence you can say once, but not more. It’s kind of sad,but true, that if you feel you are not being heard, and you try and sharpen the focus a few times, it won’t take too many attempts at clarifying explanations before you are accused of “mansplaining” or “nagging.” When you want to continue pressing your point because you believe your partner’s negative reaction is simply because they haven’t seen all the nuances of your argument, stop. There is only so much you can say before you will be accused of being boring or aggressive.

Now, I know it is hard to stop, because we all feel that if we add just a few more details or perspectives our partner will see and cede our point. But trust me, if you keep hammering away at an explanation, your partner probably stopped listening long ago. Remember that standing there may be obligatory, but listening is voluntary.

4. Remember the time that you didn’t thaw the turkey in time, and we had to order out?

There is teasing, and then there is humor. Humor is when something is funny — teasing has a bite to it. If you are teasing a partner, it is usually about something embarrassing or something that really did or does bother you. It’s a cowardly tactic.

In general, if you have to tease, don’t do it in public. If you are the target on this one, recognize it in a straightforward way if you want it to stop, or you want to avoid getting angry. This is particularly true if the banter happens in a public situation where it might be awkward to all concerned. For example, if someone is overweight and having a big meal, a partner might say, snidely, “There’s Jerry with his amazing appetite.” That’s not really funny to Jerry. Teasing about weight, hair loss, or anything that could embarrass a partner should be off limits, even if it’s closer to humor than criticism. If you are the target, you don’t want to create an even more embarrassing response by making it clear that “drive by” cut really bothered you. But you can get one sentence in to stop a whole riff on the topic, something like, “Let’s not do this,” with a smile but a serious tone. If you can’t stop it that way, then find a way to leave the situation —bathrooms are always handy excuses — and then address it later when it doesn’t have to become awkward for everyone. Bottom line, remember that you are always supposed to have your partner’s back, and anything that undermines that rule is seriously out of bounds.

5. You stink.

That performance was honestly awful. Brutal honesty is the worst. I cannot tell you how many times I have seen someone dump atomic judgments on their partner because they “want to be honest.” Look, if you said everything you thought out loud — for example, “Why doesn’t she do something about those crooked teeth?” — most people you know would hate you and you’d feel the same way after reading their mind. Restraint is required in life and in intimate relationships. Telling someone, “You are looking old, and you no longer turn me on” may be honest, but it is also a needlessly cruel emotional indulgence. There are times to hold your thoughts tightly to yourself. My favorite brutally honest quote from the reality show I’m on, Married At First Sight, was when Beth and Jamie, a newly married white couple, were asked about how their sex life was going. Beth said: “It’s fine, but it’s just basic Caucasian sex.” Jamie understandably was not happy about the inference that he suffered by comparison.

Now, here are two additional points worth considering.

Don’t make a compliment meaningless.

Learn how to take a compliment. Giving your partner a compliment just because they gave you one takes the oomph out of it. It didn’t come unprompted. A good response is a smile, a hug and a kiss — and then remind yourself the next time your honey does something you like or respect, don’t miss the opportunity to tell them. Then, it can be truly appreciated.

I don’t know, you choose.

Please talk. Give an opinion. Better yet, offer a fully tricked-out suggestion. “What do you feel like eating tonight?” is a simple question that asks for a discriminating response. “I feel like tandoori chicken” is light years better than, “I don’t know. What do you want?” It’s not a criminal lapse, but it does throw the burden of knowing what to do back on the person who asked the initial question. And by the way, “I don’t care” is also a lazy and unhelpful response. Even if you really don’t care, act like a teammate. Don’t run the risk of irritating your partner.

OK, I‘m done for now. But I bet you can add your own “talk and don’t talk” examples to this list. These are mine, and I have made some of these mistakes myself. This will remind me not to do it again, and maybe you can avoid them, too.

The post Avoid These Common Conversation Crimes appeared first on Seattle magazine.

And, until recently, I thought it was extremely important to pretend my hardiness was the same as it has always been. All this denial, of course, exceeds rationality.

Now, I have data that helps me avoid certain realities. Though I am in my late 70s, I still work, often 12-hour days. I still ride (although not alone anymore), and I will still drive over the mountains just to have lunch with my daughter. Night, however, no longer seems as effortless to navigate as it used to be.

So, with some resolute focus, I could continue my Pollyanna approach to aging if it were not for those annoying recurrent aches and pains that have cut into what was a really a superior denial system. The fact is, my body, not my brain, has been telling me that getting older is not just a number.

Take, for example, my feet. They have never been beautiful, but they have been perfectly serviceable until the last couple of years. The big toe that I broke many years ago has now decided to remind me that broken bones turn arthritic. That’s recurrent ache No. 1. Then there’s the hamstring that I tore years ago when my heel slid across a floor leaving a health spa. Ironic then, recurrent pain now.

And there should be a special category for random aches. Back pain after gardening for a few hours. A stifer neck that frequently starts my morning. A calf that spasms when I stretch it. I resent every single one of these body betrayals.

Now, I know I am being ungrateful. A truly tough part of this stage of life is seeing friends or family members tussling with serious, often tragic conditions. I have people I love who have lost their spouse, or suffer from impaired sight, hearing, or mobility. I see lifelong friends facing potentially terminal diseases. And they make me reflect on the truth of that famous Bette Davis quote: “Old age isn’t for sissies.”

But I do not want to submit to a doom and gloom frame of mind. I want to stay as ambitious about living life as fully as I can. In that vein, I want to interpret my aches, pains and subsequent groans somewhat differently. Yes, various pain points are proof that time is not only passing but taking a toll. But I choose to see this not as a cause for depression, but rather as a clarion call to use my time well, and to use every ability that remains. My body is giving me data that my mind, try as it will, cannot completely ignore.

I must acknowledge that if we are lucky, and life is long, the cost of continuing the journey includes physical challenges, and some of them are a harbinger of greater challenges to come. How I recast this information is to use it as a reminder to cherish each day more than I might if my almost impeccable denial system worked perfectly.

Anti-inflammatories in hand, I work with my body to do the best I can, and enjoy everything I still can do. I do not love pain, of course, but I accept every ache as just an inevitable cost of being fortunate enough to be on this Earth.

Q. My husband and I have had fertility problems, and anyone who has had this go on for a long time knows how much pressure this puts on a relationship. Besides struggling with guilt and pre-occupation with creating a family, sex must be at a certain time, whether you feel like it or not. I know I am very fortunate. My insurance covers the huge expenses that allow us to try repeatedly. But honestly, our sex life has become a chore. It’s all about the baby, not about making love. At least that’s the way I feel about it, and that’s the problem. My husband has noticed that I have lost any interest in sex other than getting pregnant. I know this isn’t fair, but that’s my reality. What do you suggest?

I have heard about many experiences like this. One story was tough to hear: The couple tried for 10 years and at the end of the decade, they did get pregnant and have a son, but by that time, the wife said she didn’t even want to be touched by her husband, much less have sex. So, I get it.

Still, the impetus for this marriage was only in part organized about creating a family. It was also about romance, attraction, compatibility, and a lifestyle. And all those things are still important and are still part of the vows you have made, and the promises you have shared, that are about more than having children.

So, make note of this: The first part of finding your way back to each other is to remember the totality of who you are together and be grateful for the partnership that you chose. Remember all the things you share, the fun you have had, and the fun you can plan. If too much of your life together seems grim and desperate, you must recreate warm, happy and loving events that naturally stir up feelings of attraction.  But don’t put pressure on yourselves to make it sexual right away — let yourselves remember feeling of longing for a sexual connection.

Do some sensual things. If you can, splurge on a couple’s massage, or go to a massage class together. Get trained to give each other body pleasure. Perhaps take some Yoga as a couple — search out some of the relaxing or sensual ones that help you feel emotionally connected.

Maybe go dancing or go to concerts where the music takes you over and could even turns you on. Get physical and relate physically to each other without feeling that everything has to end in sex.

Hopefully, sex becomes less a medical and clinical event and more of something satisfying on an emotional and physical level. But if it doesn’t come back right away, don’t despair. You are under a complex set of feelings, and may also be on some medications that interrupt the way you used to turn to one another. Play the long game and know that you will eventually want each other again. If your husband is feeling hurt or shut out, don’t ignore his feelings: He is missing you. Be affectionate even if you can’t be sexual right now. Make sure he knows how special he is to you. Perhaps you are already getting some therapy, but if you are, make sure you bring up all these feelings, and get further suggestions from your counselor on ways to make you feel good about enjoying touch again.

I know it feels like your desire for your husband will never come back, but most often, it does. Don’t lose hope. And, while I think it is wonderful that you recognize that your husband needs a sexual connection with you — please remember that sex is also a gift that you need, and you are just temporarily stymied, and unable to receive it. That being the case, still do everything you can to protect your sexual connection. Why is it so important? Because your sexual relationship is there to give you many benefits that have nothing to do with reproduction — chief among them, orgasms that releases oxytocin — aptly named, the “ bliss hormone.” Oxytocin creates feelings of togetherness, attachment, and love. It also helps both partners have that amazing peak moment when they feel filled to the brim with happiness and gratitude for the awesome ecstatic pleasure they have created together.

I know that your journey to parenthood has its own requirements, and it may not be possible to interrupt your sexual schedule right now. But try to reconfigure enough of your physical approach to one another so that sex creates a firmer, not weaker, foundation to your future.

The post When Your Mind Makes a Promise That Your Body Can’t Fill appeared first on Seattle magazine.

Given my desire to avoid retirement, I was lucky that after I ended my 50-year tenure with the sociology department at the University of Washington, I was able to continue to be employed as a relationship expert on Married at First Sight, a reality television show on the Lifetime television network. It cushioned my transition from being a professor to being something else.

And to be honest, while I had loved being a professor, I was ready to invest time elsewhere. I wanted a change, but not to a beach or pickleball court. I wanted the same level of engagement and challenge I had experienced most of my life, but it needed a new venue. Not once did I fantasize about “retiring” to some version of infinite leisure.

I think humans are healthier and happier doing something meaningful, and to some extent, structured. For me, I need to be touching people’s lives, challenging myself, being creative, learning something new, working with people who have something to teach me. Perhaps I am delusional about this, but I think these requirements keep me from feeling old. My vision is that to retain some youthfulness, we should keep doing things that challenge us and keep us passionately interested. I believe that if we just do days that blur together everything sags, we lose focus, our aches and pains become a more primary concern, and joy occurs more rarely. It doesn’t have to be another job. But it does have to be a committed and passionate engagement.

Take my friends Ruth and Phil. Both extremely driven and successful physicians, Ruth found meaning after leaving medicine by becoming a steadfast volunteer at the Humane Society in Seattle, while Phil loved giving weekly free tours of the architectural marvels of New York City. They wanted to give back, and they created days that they felt mattered. They reorganized and built
new habits for daily life.

Whether it’s volunteer or paid work, I think work anchors life. It gives us purpose, even if it is not beloved, especially when it fills our soul. Not everyone has been fortunate enough to have soulful work, but most of us feel pride and self-respect when we show up, do a job well, and help the world function. That sense of place and mission is so comforting that if it disappears, and there is confusion about what comes next, people can sink into depression.

It is well known that retirement has its dangers. Individuals now free to choose their path often find it is difficult to replace the centrality of work with something else. Ask someone how retirement is going, and sometimes the response will be about how unexpectedly difficult the transition has been. But if we conceptualize that we are not retiring but creating a new or expanded identity, it might take the sting out of this next phase of life.

This need for rethinking our identity is no small thing. A much-replicated research study once asked a group of employed men and women to write down the top 20 things that described who they were. Almost without exception, the first or second thing a person mentioned was what they did for a living.

Personally, it has been important for me to have a new center of my life. I not only enjoy my present television career, I need it. And when that changes, I will concentrate on something else. To me, saying “I’m retired” implies that I am on the downslope. What I want, and what I think is important, is to wake up and eagerly embrace each day, to feel that our days hold promises of discovery, joy, and accomplishment, to feel that we still matter.

I think humans are healthier and happier doing something meaningful, and to some extent, structured.

This prescription does not mean anyone has to stop playing golf or travel. I am happy to have more time to garden, ride, see the world, and write. But I think life also needs a center, and for me, it’s a job or project, or a volunteer job that really helps people, animals or civic life. Whatever it is, I want to continue feeling vital and in growth mode for as long as I can.

So, can we find a better word than retirement? I am not sure what it should be called but it should be about beginning rather than leaving. It should connote new paths rather than the end of the road. At least that’s what I’m aiming for.

Q: I am a 38-year-old single man who is well known in Seattle. I have a firm that I started that is very successful. I am also well off. Like everyone else, I want to find love, but I want to be loved for who I am, not what I make. I feel, however, that I have a target on my back. I meet women through work, and after a while, they want to get serious, but I am nervous about what they really are attracted to. I feel that it’s about the money, and while I obviously like money too, I don’t want that to be the major reason they are eager to get married.

What can I do to find a woman that will love me money or not, and not be so cautious that I ruin a relationship with someone who really could love me without all the trappings?

A: Of course, women will be attracted to someone who could help provide a great lifestyle. But believe me, if that person is also a jerk, most women will get out of Dodge pretty quickly. Nonetheless, I grant you that there are women who are only considering a guy who can buy them a three-carat diamond and a private jet, but they aren’t the majority — unless you are only recruiting from the Kardashians.

In all seriousness, I worry about what seems to be your feeling that you can’t trust your own instincts about differentiating women who are shallow from women who have the capacity to love you. But if you want some guidelines, find someone who has created a life already and see what that life looks like. By her 30s, a woman with heart and the ability to love will have good friends who are also admirable and interesting people. Who a person is close with is usually illustrative of the person’s personality and values. Date women who have accomplishments of their own — what have they done with their lives? A woman who is a professional of some kind or who has created a business or been involved in important charitable or civic activities has a track record that worked well before you. She values her life too much to imperil it by being with someone who isn’t a good person, over and above whatever wealth they have accumulated.

If you are meeting the “wrong” kind of woman, you might rethink how you get to know them. Do you try and impress them with things they could not afford to do on their own? They might be wowed by lavish experiences, and that might give you the wrong impression, but a woman is not a fortune hunter just because she likes any advantages you show her. On the other hand, if you do the things that romantic movies show us that money can buy (taking her to New York for the weekend, for example) you are showing her that is what she can expect as your partner. Is that really in your best interests? Also, if you do these “flashy” things, you will look like you are trying hard to impress her. In other words, whether you realize it or not, if you only show her an expensive lifestyle, and she has a good time, you are setting her up to be labeled as someone into you just for your money.

I am not asking you to drop all the advantages you may have and look for the next Mother Teresa, but if you want to find out why a woman would love you, look at her past before she met you, and look at her present and what she puts first in her life. And look to yourself to see if you are picking women only based on looks and not on character. You need to take in the whole person, much the same way you want a woman to see you.

If you just can’t believe a woman could love you for yourself rather than your income, then I suggest going to a counselor or therapist to find out why you feel that way, and how you can change.

The post Let’s Redefine ‘Retirement’ appeared first on Seattle magazine.

At the most basic level, at least with present technology, women need men for reproduction. Let’s start with that. They don’t actually need them for sex — there are vibrators and dildos and fingers if all you want is an orgasm — and I would insist that people do need orgasms (I can go into that elsewhere). But for the purely functional blessings of sex, it’s kind of optional.

One could also say that women need men for protection. While there are wonderful movies starring Wonder Woman and visions of Amazons as wise and ferocious warriors in The Black Panther, historically, men have taken on protector roles in ways that many women want (unless of course it becomes so over-protective that it becomes controlling or even menacing). I have to say that in my role as a relationship expert for the television show Married at First Sight, women I’ve interviewed commonly say they want someone who makes them feel safe as part of their list of receivables for a desirable husband.

My collaborator on the program, Pastor Calvin Roberson, always admonishes men in the couples we put together to be a “husband, that is, the band that surrounds his wife and family to make the family supported and safe.”

So, what else? There’s a lot of literature about the importance of men as role models and teachers for children, and of course most women seem designed to focus on men as their romantic choice and intimate partner. But do they need them? Or, maybe one might ask, do they need them during their entire life cycle?

Interestingly, some studies that have asked this question get a “No” from more than a few women, but when they ask men, “Do you need women?” all of them, even many gay men, say a resounding “Yes.” Many years ago, a question widely circulated in the press asked women and men if they were stranded on an atoll in the middle of the Pacific, who would they choose to be there with them? The men generally mentioned their wife or girlfriend as a first choice. The women named George Clooney (or some other yummy star).

So what’s with the women? Especially women over 50?

I think it’s a mix of experience and adaptability. The fact is that demographers believe that as many as 25% of women under 35 will not marry. For women who are interested in men but cannot fi nd one suitable enough to create a legal commitment, it may be that they start adapting their lives early on to be happy and thriving on their own. Add that to the more than 40% of women who will get divorced. A sizable number of them will not remarry, and will fi gure out ways to have a happy life on their own. Let me add one other group: Women over 50 who marry older men who get sick or die before them. Women who have been caregivers often do whatever is necessary with a full and willing heart, but when it’s over, they are convinced they never want to go through that again.

Are women on their own lonely? Some are, of course, but note that men are far more likely to remarry, and remarry more quickly, after divorce or losing a spouse. Why? Here’s the main reason, other than the ratio of men to women: I believe a lot of women simply don’t need men. And the main reason for that is they have each other. Some enter into romantic relationships, but most enjoy deep, loving, and supportive lifetime friendships. They travel together (how many men travel together who aren’t skiers, golfers or gay?), get together in book clubs, meet often for coffee, or sit on their front porches together while they knit, quilt or schmooze. They show up for one another.

There are some men who get together like this. They play cards, join clubs, drop by a neighborhood bar, golf, go hunting, help each other fix a car, etc. They do have all-male alliances, and some have deep, meaningful friendships that also last a lifetime. But there are many men who do not build those friendships, and whose main emotional support is their wife. No one can replace her.

So, do heterosexual women need men the way heterosexual men need women? I think not. On the other hand, if you love somebody, you love them — and they brighten your day, engage your mind, fulfill your intimate life, help create a family, and you want them forever, and you know you need them. But if you are a woman who is not fortunate enough to have that guy, well, maybe you don’t need men just to have one.

Your thoughts?

Q: Am I being old fashioned or unfair? My wife has become very close to her immediate supervisor in her office. He seems happily married, and I would call us happily married, but I just don’t feel comfortable with opposite sex friendships. I am OK if we go out as a foursome. I am OK if they are friendly at the office. But they take lunch breaks together and trade jokes and gossip on email, and basically, I would like her to pull back on this. Am I off-base or is this just building to something romantic? Honestly, I feel what’s always in a man’s mind when he’s around a beautiful woman (my wife is beautiful) is how to get in her pants.

A: I guess the first thing I would ask you is if you are feeling insecure about your marriage or if your wife has, in any way, made you think she would have an affair? If your fears about the officemate are partly or greatly about your feelings about your wife’s loyalty, then I think that’s the issue that must be addressed first. Asked another way, do you think she would be influenced by a man over time that would overwhelm her in some way? In either case, I think your fears are something to work on, especially if there has been no indication, either by flirtatious behavior or anything she has said, that she would not be trustworthy.

It may help, by the way, to know that you are not alone. I know many men are nervous about their wife having a close friendship with another man, as well as women worried about their guy having a close friendship with a woman. But people can and do have close friendships with the opposite sex and are not tempted, no matter what is on the other person’s mind. I understand that your wife is beautiful but that doesn’t mean a man who is friendly with her could not resist testing boundaries.

In this case, your wife has found a friend, and quite honestly, a valuable friendship in that she works with this guy and his opinion of her matters. It is fair, however, to ask her if this guy has made any inappropriate comments to her, and if she says he has (but she has brushed them off), then I think it would be fair to say it is unwise to be that friendly with someone who has an unwanted agenda. That includes lunches or anything out of the office that could put her in a truly difficult situation.

But if there are no such comments, I think it would be sad for you to forbid the friendship, and your lack of trust might cause a lot of hurt and resentment. An office buddy makes the workday a lot more fun and interesting. If your wife loves you — and you love her — why worry? Maybe a good way to end those fears would be to invite him and his wife over, and make him your friend, too.

The post Do Women Really Need Men? appeared first on Seattle magazine.

But do you really want to hear everything your partner is thinking? Do you want them to tell you passing thoughts, like that you’re wearing something that you love, and they hate? And offend you? And maybe set off a negative retort, or hurt feelings?

I know you can argue that it’s best to know, and, in this case, perhaps help you wear something that your beloved actually likes. But if you didn’t ask for their opinion, do you really need it? And once they have said it, does it help you or make you feel more insecure or defensive?

OK, I admit this is a softball example. Let me go to the hard one. Your spouse went to a college reunion, and at an afterparty, they reignited an old fl ame, and it burned up an otherwise monogamous record. I know you think you’d want to know. But if your partner regretted it, vowed to themselves it would never happen again, felt guilty, and maybe even worked through it with their therapist, would your knowing what happened really be the best thing for your relationship? Or, for that matter, your peace of mind?

I think that for most people, it would cause a rupture that could be fatal or endlessly painful for the relationship. There might be continuing paranoia any time your partner had to go on a trip or worked late. It could put your whole way of life in question. Malcolm Gladwell’s book, Talking to Strangers, explores both sides of the fact that much of social life devolves to trust because it would be impossible to question every act of social interaction.

If every statement was doubted, if every absence was investigated, it would be exhausting, and in most cases, insulting. Our assumption that someone we live or work with is not treacherous can help make us a victim. Think, for instance, about the not-so-rare example of a boss who doesn’t check on the company’s “faithful” bookkeeper of 20 years who has, in fact, been steadily embezzling. Or, staying with the infidelity example, believing that a spouse’s tight relationship with a worker is platonic, when it is not.

Some situations need a bright light of discovery because those lies can undermine happiness and safety. But what of a transgression that does not? What if it is one mistake? Or, what if it is a continuing critical feeling, like wishing that your partner was thinner or more voluptuous, but you keep it to yourself because you know it would upset them and perhaps make them feel inhibited or angry.

My rule is that honesty is the best policy when something is going on that needs to be aired and repaired because otherwise it will damage or destroy the relationship. But if it is a temporary feeling that will go away, or just something that’s disappointing but can’t be changed, or a one-time act of bad faith or weakness, I generally feel it should just be vaporized, not shared.

Focusing specifically on fidelity, if you love your partner and know that they could never get over it if you had sex with someone else, or they would stay and vent their anger and sadness for decades, would honesty have any good outcome except perhaps giving your partner an opportunity for revenge? Or a quid pro quo?

I don’t think this is a good path to travel.

As for almost all “rules,” there are exceptions. If the person who transgressed can’t live with the guilt, and is going to break down anyhow, it’s better to tell the truth sooner rather than later.

Or, if the person who has had the affair knows their partner is likely to fi nd out anyhow, it’s a whole lot better for the truth to come from them and soon because, paradoxically, the lie can be seen as the even bigger betrayal.

I know this puts people in a moral quandary. The simplest approach is never to temporarily fall out of love with your partner, never think they look unattractive, never have salacious thoughts about the next-door neighbor, and never be unfaithful. However, if you do think unflattering thoughts or do transgress your vows, think carefully about whether you want to share the truth.

At the very least, I don’t think honesty is always the best policy.

Q: I have a great job offer in Hong Kong, really an extraordinary opportunity. My boyfriend says he will come with me, but honestly, I do not think he will do well there. He doesn’t speak the language and won’t be able to be a lawyer there. I love him but I am afraid that this move will kill our relationship. If he doesn’t go, it will probably end it. I don’t know what to do.

A: This is not an easy answer to give. Your worries are not unfounded, but on the other hand, if you are going to Hong Kong for an unlimited amount of time, then leaving him in the United States might be an insurmountable commute. I do think there is a middle ground.

You need to give weight to the fact that he wants to go with you to Hong Kong, and it sounds like he is well aware of some of the sacrifices it might entail. You should respect his choice, and also what it says about how he feels about you. But there is another issue embedded in your worry about whether he should come. Are you truly comfortable about him changing his life for you?

It sounds like he is willing to put his career on hold, or even change careers. Can you handle that? You are obviously ambitious and want to take advantage of this big opportunity, even to the possible detriment of this relationship. He, on the other hand, has prioritized the relationship over his present work. Can you respect the fact that he might not be as ambitious as you are? If you can, great. But if you feel he is less valuable as a partner because he would sacrifice his own work to come with you, then perhaps the relationship is not as strong as he thinks it is. You don’t want him to come if doing so would make him less attractive to you.

On the other hand, maybe this is just a life adventure he wants, and it’s not all about you. So, it’s not as big a commitment as you think it is. Or, if it is, and you do not need him to put his work first, then it might be a great experience for the two of you. But you can help make it better rather than worse.

For example, the next idea might be doing due diligence about what he could do in Hong Kong. If your new employer is high on you and wants you to have a good adjustment to Hong Kong, it might be possible to find out about other kinds of jobs that could be available to your guy. The two of you could also do your own research. Perhaps there is an American firm that needs lawyers or a Hong Kong firm that needs someone who is expert on various aspects of American law. There might also be a very different kind of temporary job, for example, teaching in an American school, or spending time beginning to learn the language while he is there.

I think it’s important to think seriously about how important he is to you. You say you love him — does that mean he is potentially your life partner? You don’t have to make the “big decision” about that right now, but I think you both need to talk about why he would be doing this move, and what you are promising each other? For example, if he felt he had to go back, would you plan to join him eventually? And what would “eventually” mean?

Lots of questions, I know, but moves matter. What people say to each other about why they are moving or not moving together matters. It’s time to get serious about who you are together, or what this move means, and make decisions based on a lot of deeper sharing.

One additional thought: Don’t sell him short. If he thinks he can make this move, and you love him, then you should give him the chance to let him try. Long-distance relationships can work for a while if people want them to — I had a friend with a long and happy marriage who commuted between Thailand and Seattle. But that’s the exception. If this relationship is a big deal, it’s a better bet (but not the only one) to try to stay together.

The post Is Honesty the Best Policy in Relationships? Uh, Sometimes appeared first on Seattle magazine.

It’s not that therapy hasn’t been gaining ground ever since Freud and fellow travelers started using mental rather than medical interventions for emotional challenges in the 19th century. But at first it was confined and embraced by the educated and/or monied classes. Even then, it was generally closeted, and considered by many to be an embarrassing and even stigmatizing need.

Not anymore.

I am writing this while I am interviewing single individuals about whether they are ready for marriage. A very large number of them, both men and women, volunteer that the reason they know they are ready for marriage is that they have had extensive therapy focused on themselves and on relationships. Surveys validate this trend, most notably one by Hinge. In November, 2022, 91% of their clients said they preferred to date someone who was, or had been, in therapy. A survey conducted by Dr. Helen Fisher for Match.com asked what the top fi ve things were that people were looking for in a mate. The new entry to that top fi ve was “ability to process feelings.”

The telltale phrases that often begin a person’s reveal of their past or present therapy are, “I have done the work,” or “I have been working on myself and now I am a much better version of myself.” A few months ago, The New York Times noticed these same phrases among millennials, and frankly, everyone younger than them. In fact, age and the spread of counseling/therapy are perfectly correlated: The older you are, the less you report using it. The American Psychological Association found that people born in 1997 or later were most comfortable talking about their therapy and getting some kind of mental health counseling. But men and women in all age groups have shown an increase in getting counseling compared to a couple years ago.

Some researchers feel using various therapeutic modalities have grown because of telemedicine and more moderate pricing. I don’t doubt that’s true. But using therapy is not only about access, it’s about culture. Younger people have demonstrated how normalizing and even extolling therapy can be a part of generational change. But there are different perspectives on counseling depending on other personal characteristics, such as race. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention did a survey and found 30% of non-Hispanic white people have had therapy. That compares to only 10.8% of non-Hispanic Asians, and 4.8% of people identifying as Black. And while the number of people using therapy in each racial and ethnic group had increased yearly, stigma, ability to pay, or other inhibitors are differentially distributed. Part of that reason might be the racial composition of therapists. In a 2019 study, 76% of therapists identified as white.

Personally, in my interviews with a diverse group of singles looking for love, I found it refreshing and encouraging to find so many young people eager to have some kind of counseling guidance. Because here’s the thing: Today’s dating and mating rituals are demanding, sometimes depressing, and a high percentage of them are predictably disappointing. And yet, it is through this crucible that everyone must pass to fi nd someone who will love them and who they can love in return.

To my mind, some form of counseling or therapy is helpful in preparation for meeting someone, in maintenance of a relationship, in repair when relationships stall or shatter, and in support when you have to start the whole dance over again.

Q: My girlfriend is very beautiful and always has been. But she’s not always been thin and now she is (she took one of those drugs). The problem is that she is so pleased with the new her and is wearing more revealing clothes than I personally feel comfortable with. I could see her nipples through her top the other day, and her skirts often don’t cover her crotch when she sits down. I don’t know what all this is for, but it’s certainly not for me. She waves me off when I tell her I would like a more conservative look. How can I persuade her to tone it down?

A: You may not be able to. She is feeling beautiful and desirable in a new way. You may have thought she was all that before, but obviously she didn’t think so or she wouldn’t have taken medication to lose weight. So, she wants to luxuriate in this “new” body and be admired. The good news is this may just be a phase. As she gets more comfortable in her body and self-confidence, she may get less flashy (and fleshy) and wear less-revealing clothes. In the meantime, since she knows how you feel, you might try a different tactic. Compliment her whenever she wears something you like (that is less revealing) and just hold on to your opinion when she is over the top. If she asks you how she looks, just tell her she is beautiful (because you honestly think she is) but stop there and don’t compliment her on how she is dressed unless she asks. Then, if she does, you can tell her that she is beautiful, but you prefer to see some mystery in her dress because you find that sexier.

Whatever you do, don’t insult her by saying she looks like a sex worker (or something of that kind) because that will set up a defensive reaction and lead her to think that in order to defend her autonomy she has to dress provocatively. And, in all fairness to her, it’s not like she’s alone in her fashion presentations. There is a trend these days of wearing less and less, and even very young women go out on the town with about as much material on them as a bikini provides. The cultural encouragement is to show everything you own, and so you may be fighting a losing battle. But stay tuned: At some point the pendulum will swing the other way and more coverage could be in style.

Q: I am what they call a “Christmas Catholic.” I do not go to services except for holidays or when my parents really want me to go to church with them. That said, they are highly observant, and they do worry about me. I am writing because I am worried that because I have fallen in love with someone who is not Catholic (she is a non-denominational Christian,) that this will be hard on them. I love my parents very much and am not sure how to handle telling them after I ask her to marry me. Do you have advice for me?

A: A lot of people fall in love with someone of a different religion, but the success of that relationship depends on how well thought out their future plans, tolerances, and flexibility really are. Quite frankly, I worry about this issue with you because you obviously care so much about your parents’ reaction, which I think you know (as evidenced from your email) is not going to be as positive as you would like it to be.

They may support you in whatever choice you make, but if their religion is very important to them, they are certainly going to wish your wife were Catholic. My guess is that they might even be more emphatic about how your children would be raised.

To me, the most important thing to know is how much you have reflected on this situation and what decisions you and your intended fiancee have discussed about how the two of you would proceed. Have you talked about whether or not you would be comfortable with each other’s spiritual needs and practices? Have you decided about how your children’s religious education (or lack thereof) would be handled? Do you feel her family and your family could get along, whatever path you choose? And if you think it would not be easy, are you OK with forging your own religious path no matter how your parents (or her parents) would feel about it?

I think you should have answers to these questions before you decide to get married. I know some people just skirt them and decide to figure them out when they need to, but I don’t think that’s the best way to proceed. Religious differences can buckle the best love affairs, because sometimes you don’t know how much you need consistency with the way you have been raised until your partner contests your previous beliefs or habits. This often doesn’t happen until children enter the picture, or deciding to have children becomes a real, not theoretical, topic.

If you and your intended are truly on the same page about how religion will or will not be practiced with each other or with an eventual family, then just have a secure and deeply felt answer when you tell your parents about your future marriage. If they are upset, just be firm that this is the woman you love, the future you envision, and that you hope they will come to love her as much as you do. If you are afraid to give them this kind of response, then I would suggest that you do some deep thinking on whether or not the two of you are quite ready to be married.

The post The Therapy Revolution appeared first on Seattle magazine.

In the bat of an eye, we had one older guy in falsies and a dress, various iterations of cross-dressing in the crew, a few more guys in female accessories, and wigs transforming everyone. Suddenly, we were gender bending in the wilderness, and everyone was unconsciously having a great time. Granted, one of the guys simply didn’t know how to cross his legs in a skirt (some serious “man spreading” going on) and not everyone had painted toenails like Tyler did, but our tough and very masculine guides and guys were suddenly feeling their feminine side. I loved it. Masculinity and femininity have so many new facets. Madeline was both a boss and a lady. The guys were “he-men” and also looked pretty good in a dress, and we all relaxed and enjoyed playing with our new “enhanced” wardrobe.

I look back at the evening with fondness. This one night, before we went back to our splash jackets and wetsuits and usual identities, tells me that in today’s world (unlike the world I grew up in), we can blur the gender lines that used to be so strict and confining. Even the older men in the group could play with gender and not be threatened. We trusted our guides and our fellow participants to be a team that looked out for each other during a trip that required skill, strength, alertness, and cooperation. No one thought a night of gender bending disqualified anyone. We could have cared less about people’s actual sexual orientations or personal peccadilloes. What mattered in the wilderness, as in our more mundane everyday lives, was our goodwill and respect for each other, our ability to collaborate, and our acknowledgement and appreciation of our interdependence. Gender? We can be masculine or feminine in whatever way suits us at any given time — and it’s no big deal.

Q: I would like to have sex in the mornings and the evenings with my wife. She says that is too much sex and thinks I should get therapy. She puts pillows between us at bedtime and tells me that I am “sick.” I think she is the one with the problem, and our different vision of what marriage should provide is causing us real conflict. Could you settle this?

Oh, boy, this is not so easy to settle. There is no prescribed “right” amount of sex in a relationship, but sexual frequency is a common conflict because partners often have big differences in sexual appetite and each feels injured when the other doesn’t comply with their requests. While having sex twice a day is uncommon in long-term relationships, it is not uncommon when couples first fall in love, and lust has a seat in the front row. During that phase, some partners can’t seem to get enough of each other, and they have sex with one another at every opportunity (in bed, in the office, in a park, you name it). No one says they are “sick,” but everyone expects them to snap out of it eventually and take back that time for work, friends, and the other preoccupations of everyday life.

So, for most couples, intense desire usually flattens out quite naturally, although not automatically, to a mutually desired level. Your own sexual desire seems to still be intense, but your wife doesn’t seem to be flattered, and so I wonder if she feels that your desire for sex is more of a need to have an orgasm and less due to your attraction to her. Is she correct? Sometimes, people use sex as a stress reducer or as a sleep aid, or just an itch they need to scratch. If that is true for you, you might consider just masturbating some of the time because then you could get the release and pleasure you want without haranguing your very reluctant wife for more sexual access. This might not only help reduce anger between you, it might make the sex you do have much better because you will be getting the orgasms you want, and she will be making love only when she really wants to have sex.

Q: My ex-husband was very hurt and angry when I told him I wanted a divorce, and his reaction has been to spread lie after lie about me. This was pitiful and regrettable, but I didn’t say anything to him until I found that he was writing to our friends about what a terrible person I am. I got really upset just recently when he sent an ugly letter about me to my boss! My ex accuses me of having sex with our electrician and has other stupid fantasies about me and just about every man in the neighborhood. I don’t know what to do.

I am not a lawyer, but I believe Washington state has very protective laws about interfering with a person’s right to work. If you think he is endangering your job or future employability, I think you should talk to a lawyer and see what your rights are. That said, even if you have the lawyer, send your ex a “cease and desist” letter; it might not solve the problem if, after that, he continues to be vengeful toward you. You should seriously consider whether he could be violent or escalate this nasty smear campaign into something even more dangerous. A spouse who feels he or she has been sexually wronged or abandoned can be quite dangerous, so you will have to assess if he is a physical threat as well as a reputational one. If he starts appearing back at your home or threatening by phone or email, you should contact authorities. You might also want to consult with many of the fine organizations that advise women who are being stalked or harassed. We can hope things do not escalate, and he stops being a butthead. But right now, he is still raging at you, so, at the very least, you do need to have a letter warning him that his campaign against you must be stopped.

If you think he is endangering your job or future employability, I think you should talk to a lawyer and see what your rights are.

Q: I am 76 and I have fallen in love with a man I met at the assisted living community I joined two years ago. We intend to marry, and we both want a big, glorious wedding. My children, however, consider this both undignified and try to cast doubt on his motives for marriage. I think they feel protective of their father’s memory. I understand. But I don’t think they should dictate the terms of my marriage. How can we do what we want and not have a family crisis?

Tough one. I assume you have talked about this with them, and they are adamant. But what about talking with them about why your new love does not diminish your love for their father? And if you have tried this, perhaps include a therapist who can help each side talk to the other without creating another stalemate.  You need to find out what they are worried about. If they feel he is after money (however large or small the amount might be), you might be able to ward off their worry with a prenuptial agreement that protects both parties’ previous properties, savings, and investments. You could also discover other legal answers to keeping assets safe. For example, you could find out more about creating a trust that would protect your pension, savings, or properties as well as secure your children’s inheritances and/or your working capital.

As for the ceremony itself, is it the size of the wedding they find unseemly? Perhaps you could negotiate a compromise.  Personally, I think a big party for your friends and family sounds great, but maybe that would be too painful for your kids. Would it help if you downsized so instead of having a “big, glorious wedding,” you could have a smaller glorious one?

But, in sum, do I think you should absolutely have what the two of you want? Yes. But I also think if there is a chance for peace in the valley, you might want to compromise a bit. In a perfect world, your kids would just be thrilled for you and want to help with the party. But humans are not always rational or emotionally generous creatures, and in this case, your children’s strong attachment to their father’s memory might inhibit their more supportive reactions. Find out what their fears are and what you could all agree on. We can hope there will be a way to have everyone feel good about your final decisions.

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